


and i miss you

by skeletonqueen



Series: Akusai Month 2019 [1]
Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Akusai Month 2019, Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, M/M, referenced injuries, some implied dissociation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-09
Updated: 2019-07-09
Packaged: 2020-06-25 12:47:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,643
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19746070
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/skeletonqueen/pseuds/skeletonqueen
Summary: Kairi lends an ear to Lea on a bad night.





	and i miss you

It had been maybe a month in the real world, but here in this place Merlin had sent them to, who knew how long it had been. Time didn’t flow the same way here. He knew it was for their benefit, but he felt as if he was really just letting everyone down. During training he was hyper critical of himself, frustrated with his lack of real growth.

Kairi, who to her credit had adjusted to him being around quicker than he had ever expected she would, was extremely patient with him. She’d carefully patch him up after he had, once again, brought his left arm forward to block her Keyblade, more familiar with wielding his Chakrams than his own Keyblade. He’d complain that it was different, it was heavier and the balance was something he wasn’t used to and she’d gently tell him that he’d get used to it soon enough. Insisted that he couldn’t have always been so proficient with his Chakrams, right?

She’d sit and talk to him, ask about Roxas, she’d laugh and share stories about Sora and Riku and playing on the beach when they were kids. He’d lament the fact that he didn’t grow up near a beach and how he never did manage to get to the beach with Roxas and… That familiar sensation in the back of his head would pulse, a twinge of pain when he remembered that there was definitely someone else. He wasn’t making them up, he was sure of it.

He thought getting used to a having a heart again, a whole complete heart, was what would be hardest. Most days, it was, and the overwhelming urge to sit in a dark room and eat an obnoxious amount of ice cream and cry himself to sleep didn’t really fade. There had been some days when he’d done just that. He was sure Kairi had noticed but was too polite to say anything.

He’d get back to sparring with Kairi and he’d get frustrated with himself again. Slip up and make small mistakes that he—that Axel—hadn’t made in years. His body felt slower, heavier somehow. Other days it was less the emotional side of things that was hard to deal with but the physical—he was reminded of how Axel had been better. He was faster, stronger.

He’d find his thoughts drifting back to what had unfolded the last time he’d been in the Round Room, the realisation that Isa had joined the Organization again. He wondered if maybe it’d just be better if he had too. But then Kairi was slamming into him with her Keyblade and chasing away those thoughts before he let himself linger on them too long. And for someone so small, she sure knew how to throw what little weight she had behind the weapon.

But Lea thought that maybe days were bearable now. He was managing them better. There were less pangs of spontaneous emotions that he had barely remembered, causing him to completely freeze up when he was with Kairi. The guilt felt less oppressive the more time he spent with her. His shame didn’t feel like it was crawling up his spine and tightening itself around his throat. Kairi was such a beam of positive energy that he was pretty sure she was singlehandedly chasing away the darkness that still resided in the shadows.

It was when he was lying in bed, in his borrowed room and staring up at the ceiling blankly that the darkness crept in from the shadows.

It was always the same, the voice in the back of his head telling him that he had no right to be here. No right to even be _alive_. He had no right, after everything he’d done to Roxas, to Sora, Kairi, and Naminé. To Isa.

All his self-doubt would seep in through the cracks in the walls he put up during the day, his anxiety would settle in his stomach like a lead weight.

He crawled out of bed, sluggishly making his way towards the tiny bathroom that was attached to his room, discarding his sweatpants and the much too big t-shirt he’d been given by Aeleus on the way. He turned up the water as hot as it would go and stepped into the shower, the white noise of the water distracting him from the voice.

Only when the water started running cold and his skin had a pink shine from the water running too hot did he turn off the shower. He sighed in frustration as he ran a towel through his hair, dropping it back on the ground. He tugged his boxers back on, not bothering to dry himself off properly. He grabbed the sweatpants he had left on the floor and pulled them back on awkwardly hopping on one foot, hissing when his knee collided with the corner of the small dresser.

Grumbling he picked up the discarded water bottles that had fallen from the dresser, placing them haphazardly back on the surface. He caught a glimpse of himself in what little of the mirror he hadn't covered up with one if his towels. He glared at himself in the reflection, his hair damp and hanging loosely around his face as it contorted into a snarl as memories flashed through his mind, replaying over and over. 

All he’d wanted so badly to do was keep Roxas _safe_ and the only thing he’d ever ended up doing was driving him away. He had tried to put it right. Maybe he hadn’t gone about things the right way. In his desperation he’d tried to get to Sora. In turn he’d ended up hurting Kairi. Then when he’d tried to help her _,_ Saïx had been there waiting for him.

His eyes trailed down his reflection, over the scars across his shoulders—his own doing, the scar in the centre of his chest, long since faded. The scar that stood out the most on his skin was jagged, snaking down the side of his torso. He didn't have to see it to know that the scar was worse on his back.

His breathing was ragged as he glanced down, the point of Saïx’s claymore protruding out of his chest. He felt a cold shiver run down his spine and took a step backward, then another, stumbling over his feet. His knees buckled and he found himself hunched over on the ground, hands splayed on the floor boards. His breathing was erratic and heavy now, every inhale burning his lungs. His hands curled, nails scratching at the wood floor as pain spiked through his body. _This isn't real,_ he told himself. _It’s already happened, and not like this._

A sob tore its way out of his lungs and tears began to spill from his eyes and down his cheeks. His vision blurred, and it was as if all the colour in the room was dimming. _No, this isn't... it's not how..._ He clutched at his chest, nails biting into his skin. It hurt, it shouldn't hurt. _Why does it hurt? This isn't real, it isn't, it isn't, it isn’t—_

There was a sound, distant, repetitive. Was it knocking?

Something was soft against his cheek. What was it?

He felt cold. Why was he cold?

Someone was speaking, a soft voice. Who was it? He tried to listen closer, it was a familiar voice. Was it calling a name? He strained his ears, his head protesting against his efforts.

“Lea?”

His name? He shifted to turn towards the voice, or made an attempt to. Every muscle in his body protested against the movement.

“Hey, wait!” A hand was placed on his shoulder, seemingly an effort to stop him from bolting upright. He didn't think it was entirely necessary though. “Take it easy.” He turned his head to the sound instead. Cracking an eye open he became aware of how dry his eyes felt. Itchy, even. He brought his arm up, rubbing at his eye with his wrist.

He remained where he was, not making another attempt to move for a few minutes. It was quiet, giving no indication that another person was here at all if it weren’t for the fact that there was a hand still on his shoulder. He opened his eye again, blearily glancing to the side. Kairi was knelt beside him, concern etched on her face.

“Hey,” his voice cracked slightly and he had to fight back a cough.

“Hey.” She pulled her hand back from his shoulder, placing it in her lap and he watched her as a dozen expressions seemed to cycle across her face, unsure of what she was supposed to do. He wasn’t exactly sure what was going on, why she was here in the first place. He made another attempt at moving to sit up and noticed he was on the floor. There was a pillow under his head—something soft, he noted. There was a blanket tangled up in his arms, too, he realised. 

He managed to sit up, leaning as much weight as he could bear on his hands. “It happened again didn’t it?”

Kairi gave him a small nod. “You didn’t show up for breakfast so I thought, maybe you were just sleeping in. It wouldn’t be the first time.” She gave him a small smile. “But then when you didn’t show up to see Merlin, I got a little worried.”

“Sorry.”

“I found you curled up against the wall. You were—” she frowned, glancing down at her hands as she searched for the right words. “Inconsolable.”

He grimaced at the word as Kairi got to her feet, brushing herself down and readjusting the hooded sweatshirt she was wearing. “You know how long?”

She shook her head. “I’ve been here for about five hours, before that though...”

Lea let out a groan, hands balling into fists. It all felt so _stupid_. 

“You don’t have to hide in here, you know.” She gestured around to the small room. It was pretty bare bones, just one of the two rooms that Merlin was able to provide for him and Kairi. He’d opted to let her have the larger one, with the cozier looking furniture. It had been meant as a gesture of good will, but he wasn’t sure the intent had landed. The room he was left with was comparable to a shoebox. Smaller than the room he’d been using for the last ten years, but there wasn’t a trace of white on the walls so it was fine by him.

The young girl was staring down at him now, an odd sensation given how much taller than her he was usually. He met her eyes for a second before looking away. “Sorry. I know this is like the third time you’ve done this. It’s stupid, I’m being stupid, getting upset over everything and nothing and—”

For it to happen once, was one thing. The second time was probably a sign he should be more concerned than he was. A third time? Well now it was just frustrating. It wasn’t fair to her. 

“Don’t say that! You’re not being stupid. You have a heart again, and everything that comes with it. That can’t be easy. And it’s not like anyone else can just tell you how to deal with it, either. You have like, a ton of stuff to process and catch up on. I think you’re allowed to cry every once in a while.”

A small laugh escaped his lips. A bitter sound, one that he wasn’t sure he liked. “There’s crying and then there’s spacing out so hard you don’t know what day it is.”

“Listen,” she started, and extended her hand out to him. “I know we’re not what you would call friends, and I know we didn’t exactly get off to the best start." She gave him the tiniest smile as she said that. He didn’t understand why, but it tugged at some part of him that he was sure he had long forgotten about. “That doesn’t mean things can’t be different now.”

He stared at her, opening his mouth to respond but finding that he had no words he could muster up. So instead, he clasped his hand around hers and let her help him to his feet.

“When it all starts to get bad? You can come find me. You don’t have to be alone, Lea. We could be friends, you know, if you just let me in.” He watched her as she picked up the pillow and the blanket, settling them back on Lea’s bed and sitting down on the edge of it. She shifted backwards and pulled her legs up onto the bed, leaning her back against the wall. “If you ever want to talk, I’ll always listen.”

He looked over at her, not expecting her words at all. “Huh?”

“What’s wrong?”

“It’s just, well. I was… Why?”

“Why, what?”

“Why would you ever consider that? Wanting to befriend me, of all people.” His voice dropped, the guilt and shame he felt creeping up the back of his spine, prickling at his neck. Making its presence known once again. 

“You’re not a bad person, Lea. You’ve helped all of us out more than you give yourself credit for.”

Was it really that simple? Could she really just be willing to give him a chance just because of a few good deeds?

“Do you know what caused it this time?” He watched her quietly, saw her eyes tracing over his chest. Her gaze landed on the scar from the Claymore and she fidgeted. He paced over to the bed, sitting on the opposite end to her, he hunched over, crossing his arms and resting them on his knees.

“Yeah. I get the feeling you know, too.”

She glanced away sheepishly, cheeks turning the lightest shade of pink at being caught out. “You were clutching your side when I found you. That scar, the man who caused it, with the blue hair. He’s someone important to you, isn’t he?”

That caught him off guard. He tilted his head towards her and saw that she was holding onto something, turning it over in her hands with great care. She held it out towards him and his breath hitched when he saw what it was; a small square photograph of himself and Isa when they were kids.

He frowned, he knew where he’d left it. In the top drawer of the dresser with a couple other things he’d managed to find in his extremely short stay at the castle in Radiant Garden. The photo was one of two he’d managed to find, left hidden in an end table for a decade. It was also where he’d stashed a _winner_ ice cream stick, and a small sea shell he wasn’t sure of the origins of, but it felt important, so he’d kept it. 

Before he could say anything Kairi was already speaking up. “I didn’t go snooping. I was looking to see if you had any other shirts—you felt cold when I found you, I found that in the top drawer though.” It was her turn to frown at him now. “You have like no clothes, you know? You can probably get some together if you ask… We could go shopping and pick something out.”

Looking back down at the picture, he couldn’t stop the small smile that crept up on him. He was pretty sure his mom had taken this on the first day of that school year. They were both in their uniform, Isa’s tie done up way neater than his own. He had his arm flung around Isa’s shoulder, grinning right at him, and Isa was looking right at the camera with a crooked smile. 

He hadn’t noticed Kairi moving closer to him, leaning over his shoulder to look at the picture. “How old are you here? You look really little, it’s kind of funny.”

“I’m about twelve in this I think. Isa’s probably thirteen.” 

“You’re looking at him like he’s your whole world.”

“He was.” It came out without him actually thinking. His head snapped up and he looked at Kairi, she was smiling still but it had taken on a different sort of look. She looked almost smug, the way she did when she kicked his ass when they sparred. “I mean—That’s,” he stumbled over his words, scratching at the back of his neck.

There was something about her that made her so easy to talk to at times. Looking at her face though, he knew he’d already said too much. Her eyes were on him, staring with the same intensity she had during training.

He met her gaze, lips pressed into a thin line as he wondered if he should talk about this, with Kairi, of all people. If talking about it would help even help. Ienzo had certainly given him an earful last time they’d seen each other, something about making sure not to bottle anything up so that the ‘adjustment’ after the post-recompletion process, as he’d called it, wasn’t made harder than it needed to be.

“Roxas… he isn’t the only person I want to bring home. He’s the only one I’ve talked about. I wasn’t entirely sure how everyone else would react if I just dropped it on them that Saïx is just as important to me. It’s him who I was looking for, when I ended up deciding that I wanted to do something more to help.”

He pulled his legs up onto the bed, backing up so he was resting against the wall, bringing his knees up to his chest. Kairi mirrored him, sitting cross legged across from him on the opposite end. “You know, I never told anyone when I was looking for him, but I think it got to me. Having a heart again—I was in the outer gardens when everything just sort of...” He struggled to grasp the words he wanted, sighing. “I guess I kind of fell apart, then, too. I hid behind a wall for an hour until I could remember how to breathe again.”

Looking back on it now, he probably shouldn’t have tried to just soldier on through it. He still remembered how heavy the weight of actual emotions were, it was like when he first woke up they were still absent, but as he began wandering around the castle and the surroundings, things came flooding back.

Seeing Ienzo brought that first wave of guilt that settled in the back of his mind, and only grew the more he thought about things. He remembered genuine fear as he wandered through a hallway that probably hadn’t been touched in years. Dread settled in his stomach the longer he searched for Isa, and then the anxiety crept in bit by bit.

By the time he’d reached the outer gardens, everything had been pressing on the forefront of his mind. The anxiety had grown into a full blown panic and it had taken every ounce of his being to not keel over from just how oppressive it felt. So he ran, and he hid, because it was the only thing he could think of doing. He’d given himself just the smallest of reprieves before he forced himself to get back up, forcing himself to compartmentalize his thoughts and focus solely on finding his friend.

“For the longest time, all I had was Isa. I would have done anything for him if he asked; and I did too, when we were kids and then in the Organization. Here I was, a whole person again, not a Nobody and I still didn’t feel like I was really whole.”

Kairi was watching him, patiently letting him speak without interruption.

“I don’t think I was ever truly loyal to the Organization, y’know? Saïx wasn’t either, at least, not at first. Everything was just one big façade. All we ever wanted was to get our hearts back and to find our friend. That’s why I did what I was told so that he wouldn’t suffer the consequences. My loyalty was always to him.”

“We spent so much of our time trying to find anything that could help and we got absolutely nothing to show for it. I don’t get it. I don’t understand why he would go back to them…” He rubbed at his temple, glaring down at his hands. “I don’t even know when we stopped seeing eye to eye. I should have paid more attention; I should have known something wasn’t right.”

He felt his eyes stinging, as tears built up in the corner of his eyes. “I miss him. It hurts like hell every time I think about him. I just really fucking miss him, and I didn’t even realise he wasn’t there until it was too late.” He rubbed at his eyes, agitated with himself.

“I’m terrified this is something I can’t fix, that there’s no coming back from this, that too much has happened and that we’re just too different from who we used to be.”

He buried his face into his knees, he realised just how exhausted he was emotionally and let himself cry. He felt the mattress shift slightly as Kairi moved closer to him, her hand resting on his forearm gently. He couldn’t bring himself to look up at her, but he imagined maybe she was wondering what she should do. He felt her shoulder bumping against his as she sat beside him and her hand cautiously gripped at his arm, as she looped her own arm through it.

“Hey, Lea?” He tilted his head up off of his knees just enough to see her, and she smiled at him softly. “You’re going to be fine,” there was a beat of silence before she added, “Both of you.”

**Author's Note:**

> this was supposed to be up on the 8th but im lazy and slow and rewrote it like three times, and its only rly akusai if u squint... i just wanted kairi and lea to bond, and i got tired of looking at it im sorry. 
> 
> anyway, this is the first fanfic ive posted in like a decade so go easy on me. i dont know that i'm gonna fill out prompts for every day but we'll see.


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